Thank you so much for applying for the Presidency of Davidson College. This year we received a record number of applications, and there were a number of highly qualified individuals we were forced to turn down this year. Unfortunately, we cannot offer you the Presidency of Davidson College.
Should you decide to apply again, we believe your extensive track record of deeply ethical, impressively intellectual, and honor-driven behavior would be strengthened by membership in the Presbyterian Church-USA. Rigorous scientific studies have shown that uniquely Presbyterian behaviors–such as believing that certain people are predestined for eternal damnation, entirely absent of their own free choices–are directly correlated with Presidential efficacy. Until then, we will regard your highly moral behavior as suspiciously motivated and somehow half-rate, and will be forced to disregard any of your numerous meritorious accomplishments that may make you the best candidate for this entirely non-religious job.
Irish may apply. Catholics, Methodists, Buddhists and other sorts of heathens need not.
Should you be disappointed in our decision, please remember that we are only instruments of God’s will, so therefore take up your petition with Him in your chosen manner.
The Trustees of Davidson College